The vulnerability loop
When you think of the groups where you’ve felt the deepest sense of belonging, what features stand out to you? You’ve probably got things coming to mind like:
I felt real connection to others in the group.
People in the group showed that they cared about me.
Expectations were clear. When someone didn’t meet those, we addressed it and helped them reset.
The group was like a home base. Whenever we were together it was a chance to reflect, reset, recharge.
We had fun with what we did.
I could be my true self.
That’s a small list – you probably have even more (feel free to share them – I’m deeply interested in the impact that a sense of belonging has on different people).
The last one on the list – being your true self – is a huge indicator of belonging. When we can be open, candid, and honest about our hopes, preferences, experiences, worries, perspectives, values and beliefs, and those things are listened to in the spirit of curiosity and deeper understanding, our sense of trust grows. It doesn’t necessarily mean that everything we want gets to fly in the group (it’s part of building an environment of belonging that we create shared expectations and obligations as a group), but it does mean that we can be open without getting judged or shut down.
So how do leaders create an environment where people are more likely to show up as their authentic selves? They go first. Harvard professor Dr. Jeff Polzer calls this the Vulnerability Loop. It’s the idea that to create trust and closeness – to deepen that sense of belonging in the group – we start by sending out a vulnerability cue. It might be owning a mistake you’ve made, signalling some nervousness about something coming up, asking for help where you are stuck.
That moment opens the loop. As leader, you’ve sent a message that vulnerability is okay. It feels vulnerable for you though, because the moment of truth belongs with the receiver. The loop is complete when the receiver shares a vulnerability of their own – maybe they are feeling unsure about the same thing. Or they can see how you are stuck and offer some help. In that that return, the loop is closed, and trust grows.
So what’s the challenge to us as leaders? I see it in two ways. You can be an opener and you can be a closer. If you are neither, you are contributing to an environment where people will hide their vulnerabilities. And that’s an environment where mistakes get covered up, problems get ignored, and it’s every person for themselves. Which, well, does not equal belonging.
Here’s what the vulnerability opener does:
Share a problem you are stuck on, a mistake you’ve made, or something you are feeling unsure or nervous about with another person.
Ask for their help.
That’s all you can do when you are the opener – you’ll be seeing here that it relies on the other person to be the closer. This loop can take time to close if people you lead aren’t used to vulnerability being okay, and it can feel really uncomfortable for you. But keep going at it. We love to help other people, so someone will step in to close that loop with you at some point.
The way to really supercharge the vulnerability loop, though, is to look for opportunities to close an open loop. As Jeff Polzer says, the vulnerability loop is all about how the receiver responds (in this scenario, that’s you). So here’s what the loop closer does:
One of your team shares with you something they are unsure about, stuck on, or a mistake they’ve made.
You close the loop by signaling your own vulnerability in relation to what they’ve shared. For example, you might talk about a similar mistake you’ve made. Or you might acknowledge that yes, this thing they are stuck on does sound really tricky – you aren’t sure how to solve it either. But let’s see if we can come up with some options. These responses tell the other person that they aren’t on their own – that there are others in the group (including the leader) who share what they are experiencing.
By making a habit of looking for opportunities to be a closer of vulnerability loops, you get the chance to create little moments that build trust and belonging. This reciprocal empathy creates a space where people feel more connected, and a deeper sense of belonging in the group.
Neither an opener nor a closer? Leaders often make the mistake of either:
Thinking they need to appear like they’ve got it all sorted and can solve everything their people need (never open the loop). All that does is send a message that nobody in the group should expose vulnerability, which in turn undermines belonging and creates big problems for teams in the future; or
Fixing all the problems their people come to them with, or tell them not to worry so much - it’ll be fiiiine! (never close the loop). While that’s got great intentions, the unintended consequence is that your people end up feeling like they are the only ones who get stuck or make mistakes (see Liz Wiseman’s work on Accidental Diminishers for more on this).
So there’s your challenge. As a leader, where are there opportunities for you to close vulnerability loops in your team, and strengthen the foundation of belonging that successful teams are built on? Have a go and see what difference it makes to building an environment where trust and a sense of belonging rule.